Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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