I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
