You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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