Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
