i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
