i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
