she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
