Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
