dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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