the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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