and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize