Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
