so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
