how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
