I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did i just pee glitter
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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