I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
