last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
