haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My pussy is not your playground.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
