so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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