Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
