If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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