So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
