Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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