I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
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