I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
