rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
