my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
