I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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