I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
