I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
