I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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