woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
