I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
