I need to stop coming to work sober
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
