They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
