Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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