KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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