i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
