We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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