Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
