sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
