I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
