ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
