Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
