there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
