I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
