I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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