P.S. I can't hear my feet
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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