Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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