it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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