Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
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Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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