i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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