Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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